Broken - wtf?

Today - I can’t ftp anything.  I’m sitting here on a saturday night, in the wee-hours, and I can’t upload a photo.  It seems to be another little slip-up that’s pointing me towards the path of rage.  Well - I’ll take deep breaths - and i’ll be patient. Still - I can get email - so why not FTP?  Who knows?

Something really interesting has happened today/  A person that I know, that I share a very very close and connected relationship with has done something that is absolutely none of my business, yet I find myself really upset by it.  I’m not sure why.  We’re not a couple, they aren’t a family member, we have no physical relationship - but I feel..well…like the person has betrayed their own core - their essence.

Now, I know my head isn’t right on this one, and it’s been days since I felt really calm and really clear on things…but what do you do when someone seems to have strayed so far from the path they walked when you met?  I’m not talking about someone who is changing an political affiliation, or joining a militant group.  I’m not even talking about someone who may have succumbed to “isms” and suddenly doesn’t treat other people with the respect that they so richly deserve.

I’m all over the place, because i’m disappointed and can’t keep a thought in my head.  And I’m about to sound as dramatic as I can sound, so you don’t have to say, “hey - why so dramatic?” But today, the world is a little uglier.  It just is.  I wish I could explain it mo’bettah…but I can’t.

Just pretend that you found out that the cute little girl who lived next door to you her whole life, got into porn, and pierced everything, and got a big tattoo of the words “here’s your target, boys!” across her ass.  And she did it all because she never saw in herself what all the neighbors did, and she never saw in herself that she was worth real love.  And that she could easily find, if she tried, men who wanted to be in her life, more than they wanted to be in her box. 

Maybe she’s not to blame at all - maybe I am.  Maybe I held her to a standard that was unfair…maybe I held her to a standard that I have yet to live up to?  Maybe I have no right to be bothered by the life someone else leads….maybe I shouldn’t be as upset as I am.  Maybe  peace will come tomorrow.

Hell - I’ll stay upset.  If there’s only one tiny bit of peace that was going to come my way - i’ll pray tonight that it goes to her instead….

I love you
-The Stranger