There she goes
There she goes again
Pulsing through my veins
And I just can’t contain
This feeling that remains

- There She Goes
- The La’s

It was late August, and the last time the carnies would be in my town until next March.  I was still on this side of the glass - though they felt within arm’s reach. But two busy streets, a forest of trees,  heavy metal gates, and over-protective family members proved to block me from being a part of their world.

And then SHE passed into view.  She had brown shoulder-length hair and huge brown eyes.  She crossed the street, and moved towards the metal gates of the carnival.  She was one of them…she could stay, way out there, where the world forgot time, frowned on misery, and favored happiness.   She was nothing more than a dancing flash of yellow cotton, so appropriate in this summers heat.  I wanted to be out there so badly - I needed to be with real people, and escape the sound of people sobbing just inches from my door. 

I was just fourteen, and looking back now, I realize I was certainly not old enough to know what I was feeling, if I, indeed, felt anything at all.  My leaving no longer mattered.  One constant had been killed by a heart attack, so it was time to make sure that the other constant stayed exactly that.  I went out into the hallway and into the living room.  Most everyone had gone home, and the table was piled high with half-eaten plates of food and mostly-drained plastic cups, featuring nothing but sips of what they once contained. 

No one one was there.  I knocked on my Mom’s door.  Through sniffles, all I heard was, “Not now, Ben, i’ll be out in a bit.” My Mom and my Aunt, could not, so didn not, see me leave my windowed room behind me as i walked towards the tents, smells, and the dancing..  I remmber thinking how they’d be sure to look for me in the morning. 
continue reading "Hurry Hurry! Step Right Up! (Part 2)"

Have I been blind, have I been lost
Have I been blind, have I been mean
Have I been strong
Hypnotized, mesmerized
By what my eyes have seen
In that great street carnival
In that carnival?

- Carnival
- Natalie Merchant

The carnival came to town the same day my grandma died. And I think somehow, the former affected me more than the latter. It was mystery -vs- the certain, and life -vs- death. That’s some conflict of interests for a little boy. The carnival was unfolding before my very eyes, and my mother and aunt were being comforted, through big salty tears, in the room next to mine. And all I could feel was guilt.  Here I was, the only grandson, shit, the only son, and instead of adopting a face of sadness, I held one of excitement, all of this as I watched the carnival unfold.

The wooden slats on my window pane blocked some of the letters that were haphazardly painted on the side of the carnival’s truck, so fro days, I had to hold one eye shut and move my head from side-to-side while reading their names.
continue reading "Hurry, Hurry! Step Right Up!"