I’m the man in the box
Buried in my shit
Won’t you come and save me
Save me
Feed my eyes, can you sew them shut?
Jebus Khrist, deny your make
He who tries, will be wasted
Feed my eyes, now you’ve sewn them shut!

-Alice in Chains
-Man In The Box

Today I was going to tell you all about the funny dream I had the night before.  But that’s not happening.  Out of the blue today, another visit to the Doctor.

I’ve finally had it.  I mean it - i’m really at the end.  I’m just fucking tired of being inspected, poked, prodded, judged, graded, ranked, rated, and critiqued.  All of that was done without a thesaurus.  I’m sure there are lots more words that could easily describe how I feel.  So spare me the list of the ones i’ve left out.

I’m tired.  I’m in pain.  I have something new, and it’s growing out of my body, from the inside.  It’s cool when a Doctor can look at you and have no idea what’s really going on.  At least I’ve got that going for me.

How I wish I could be someone else. 
Oh how I continue to wish.

-The Stranger

You don’t know where you’re goin’
You don’t know what you’re doin’
Hell it might be the highway to heaven
And it might be the road to ruin
But this is a song
For strangers in a car
Baby maybe that’s all
We really are

-Marc Cohn

An old stranger from a dark night came into my life today.  She probably wouldn’t consider herself an old stranger, and she probably wouldn’t consider herself “back in my life.”  But I do - and it’s my story.

The longest amount of time that I spent with her was 5 hours, 12+ years ago, when I gave her a ride home…from MA to NY.  There was no flirting, no lusting, no loving, no grabbing, no speeding, no screaming, yelling, hitting, and no dishonesty.  There were no fronts or disguises or manipulations. There were no motives.  We didn’t hold hands, make out, or fool around…frankly, there was nothing about that journey that made it amazing or memorable…except for her.

Not everyone needs to change your life, or help you discover something about yourself.  They don’t have to make you pitch better, or run the extra 100-yards of the race when you are spent.  They don’t help you beat up the bully, hit the big home-run, and they don’t flash the teacher to get you out of detention.  You may never see them again, and on your wedding night, you won’t regret that you aren’t with them, and you don’t secretly hate your wife, because she’s not the girl you spent 5 hours with in the car on a dark night…

I mentioned in a previous post that I’m mourning the loss of a Bradford.  I carry it with me daily, as I do with the rest of my loved-ones that are now gone…my mom, my grandparents, my pets, my friend, and that place….

This stranger kept me together that night. On a long drive, she kept me from dwelling on the fact that I was saying goodbye, forever, to the only place where I had ever felt welcome or special or more importantly,  accepted,  in my entire life.  I was leaving the funeral for “that place,” and she took the ride with me.

I’m so grateful to have spent those 5 hours with her. I learned that real beauty flows beneath the surface…it’s the tide that pushes you back to shore, when you’ve gone beyond the breakers on purpose…it’s the mirror that gets held up in front of you and deflects the darkness so you only see what you’re supposed to, and in that split second, (and for that split second,) you can become the person you always hoped you would be.

And sadly…perhaps most sadly, much of it went thoroughly unnoticed once the ride ended - I dropped her off, continued on my way, and sank into a sea of sadness that still, on some levels, lasts today.

And she deserved better than my silence - if nothing else, she deserved my thanks.  So how do you tell someone “thanks,” twelve years later?  I’m not really sure.  Did she save my life that night? Probably not.  Did she keep me from doing something stupid? I don’t think so. 

But 12 years later, she said, “hello,” and it allowed me to remember…. It allowed me to remember that THERE IS a tide that flows, and it WILL push you back to shore, over and over, no matter how many times you swim out past the breakers - you just need to remember to swim with it, and not away.  You have to be willing to let it carry you from time-to-time.

So I  think the best way to let her know how special they are and how special that night is, is to just tell her. 
If She’s the person I think she is, she’ll be cool with that.

I’m firing up outlook….i’ll see you in the morning.

Thanks for stopping by,
-The Other Stranger

My pain is self-chosen
Alt least, I believe it to be
I could either drown
Or pull off my skin and swim to shore
Now I can grow a beautiful
Shell for all the world to see

-Mad Season, River of Deceit

That’s Bradford.  She was my first love.  There’s something amazing about getting everything you need from someone or in this case, something.  It’s still so hard to say goodbye.  14 years later, I mourn her like an open wound…like the phantom pains from limbs lost long ago.  I wish i could lower myself into her waters and breath life back into them.  I wish I could destroy concrete and zoning plans and blueprints and give her back her grass.  I wish i could topple condos and rip up plumbing and let her rest in the soft dirt under starry skies.  I have no resolution for this one, and I have no witty one-liner to wrap this up.I’m sad tonight. I miss my friends….i miss myself…I miss the person i used to be…I miss MUSE and all she offered me.I’m going to tread water tonight and figure it all out in the morning, or the day after, or the day after…..

At least in agony, at least in pain, i’m reminded that I can still feel.-The Stranger