Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things
I didn’t do to you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally
See what’s good for you.

-Hate me
–Blue October

Ok, this one is gonna be ugly.  I apologize in advance.  I woke up today with a headache that made all historical events in books that you read on Sundays (I’m talking in code.  I can’t say certain words…because then I get served ads about the dude that Awked-way on Auter-way.  Ya get me? EEESUS-Jay. Google went nuts serving ads about the Ible-bay) seem like nothing in comparison.  It was too bright, too noisy.  I could smell my hair burning.  Yeah - you know that smell..it’s like ass, on fire, but different.  Burning Hair.  It must be what happens on the inside when I get migraines.

So Anyway - I stumbled to the doctor and then to Giant Pharmacy (cheap plug)  so i could get my meds.  $12 per pill is awesome.  Gooooooooo America!!!  So, I finished puking, and then I took my pills….and soon, the headache subsided.  Hell yeah it did.  So I moved to the couch, propped myself sideways against some clean laundry, and turned on the TV.  I know what you’re saying…and it goes a little something like this (HIT IT)…

You know…you really shouldn’t  watch TV while laying down. It’s bad for your eyes and not good if you have a headache. It will rot your brain and make you sterile. And TV is bad for you and the radiation makes your eyes turn to jelly and you can never get a boner again and Wahhhhhh Wahhhhhh Wahhhhhhhh.

I get it. But - it was my headache - and my TV, and I wanted to watch something.  I decided on the fucking gem whose promo poster is shown above.  I would like to start by saying - I did not take that picture.  I don’t own it.  I have no rights to it.  I will gladly take it down if someone wants me to.  But i’m guessing that just ain’t gonna happen. Know why?  Because someone would have to take ownership for the miserable piece of shit that said movie turned out to be.  This has been festering in my all day….here goes…

1. Who bankrolled this piece of crap - and why?  Sometimes, I bake.  It takes a long time to bake a cheesecake.  Lots of ingredients and lots of precise mixing and measuring.  If in the midst of cooking it begins to smell like ass….I THROW IT OUT!  I mean - I watched the credits…there WAS an editor.  That means someone was hired to make it less bad that its total badness before they got to cut it up.  Lots of movies never make it out of the studio…why?  Because they suck.  Add this one to the list.
2. Charlize Theron - 2 days in the valley, that coal miner movie - that movie where she looks like Rocky Dennis with the mask(I realize now, this was called monster.) - Hollywood Fucking Confidential.  Her agent should be fired.  She made North Country and Monster - both Award winning/nominated movies.  She can be brilliant and moving.  The only thing this movie moved was my bowels.  Yeah - bowels.  Wanna know why? Because it sucked!


continue reading "Clearly, I missed the punchline"

“These dreams go on
when I close my eyes
Every second of the night
I live another life
These dreams that sleep
when its cold outside
Every moment I’m awake
the further I’m away”

-Heart

I got out of bed and my knees didn’t hurt - reaching down, my hands felt the smooth part of my leg, up near my shin, where there weren’t two metal screws…I walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror,  and I didn’t have a single scar, because I hadn’t had 4 knee operations.

My stomach was flat, like it was once, when I ran and rode and thought a day outside was better than a day indoors. 

And brushed my teeth, straight and tight, like they were before EXTRA teeth came in, because 32 just wasn’t enough for me…

I had my tonsils and my first nose, and my hair was thick like it’s supposed to be for a 37-year old.

I didn’t have a small tiny scar on my arm…a tick never bit me…never squeezed polluted saliva into my body, giving me lyme’s disease…and in my dream I smiled, because waking up every morning feeling like you’ve been hit by a bus is no way to live.

And I got ready for work…for my job that encouraged and inspired me by giving me work that I believe in…work that stretched my abilities, rather than diluting or ignoring my skills.

And I called home and spoke to my mom, and she was funny and well and healthy and hadn’t been broken by depression and and pain and cancer.

And I was brave and bold and unafraid to love and be loved by those who offered that to me.  I didn’t push anyone away. 

Those are the dreams with taste and texture and sights and sounds.  They are warm and comforting, and they are the kind of dreams that make me actually start navigating my way through them, with tiny bouts of awareness…with tiny moments where at the hint of wakedness, I beg myself back to sleep.   And while I sleep the sleep of kings and queens, my life becomes everything I want it to be..

I will crawl back into bed, and I will pray for sleep - because I need that life tonight…i need it so badly - even if it’s only until sun-up.

I went to sleep at 4 am last night - and I woke up at 6:15.  It’s now 1:15 - 19 hours later, and I’m still wide awake.  All I want tonight is one of those dreams…I need one…and sleep still eludes me. 

This post is ugly and little more than me complaining - but it’s just about all I can muster tonight. I’m used to apologizing for not writing at all - and now - I wish i hadn’t even started typing.

Somewhere - there’s 3 ambien with my name on them, because i’m living proof that the Wilson’s were right…for every moment I’m awake,  the further I’m away