I’m the man in the box
Buried in my shit
Won’t you come and save me
Save me
Feed my eyes, can you sew them shut?
Jebus Khrist, deny your make
He who tries, will be wasted
Feed my eyes, now you’ve sewn them shut!

-Alice in Chains
-Man In The Box

Today I was going to tell you all about the funny dream I had the night before.  But that’s not happening.  Out of the blue today, another visit to the Doctor.

I’ve finally had it.  I mean it - i’m really at the end.  I’m just fucking tired of being inspected, poked, prodded, judged, graded, ranked, rated, and critiqued.  All of that was done without a thesaurus.  I’m sure there are lots more words that could easily describe how I feel.  So spare me the list of the ones i’ve left out.

I’m tired.  I’m in pain.  I have something new, and it’s growing out of my body, from the inside.  It’s cool when a Doctor can look at you and have no idea what’s really going on.  At least I’ve got that going for me.

How I wish I could be someone else. 
Oh how I continue to wish.

-The Stranger

Chilled and soft
The stonefruit aches
Enamel cuts through
moist damp flesh.
The soft fur
Gives way tonight
Beneath the rising moon
His thirst is quenched

-Peach
-Alex Jennings

First of all - that’s a goat wearing a sweater.  And he’s not just wearing a sweater…he’s wearing a sweater while catching snow on his tongue.  Seriously.  Are you fucking kidding me?  It just doesn’t get any cuter.

So today - I met with a knee surgeon today.  I expected nothing but doom and gloom - i’m kinda grey - so the D&G scenario suit me pretty well.  I was thankfully surprised to hear that the metalwork that went in back in ‘94 seems to be very much still in place.  I’m thrilled.  But - I’m going for an MRI next week so we can try to isolate the insane swelling in my pants.  The knee part of my pants. 

While I sat in his office waiting for x-rays.  I got a text message from a friend - she asked about my knee and I mentioned the hardware that got drilled into place back in July of ‘94.  And the strangest feeling came over me.  I realized that the two screws, seven inches of mesh, and 1″ metal plate, very well may be my oldest possessions.  Since then, i’ve seen many cars, stereos, tvs, computers, pets, beds, clothes, etc.  And I was somehow, just a little emotional about the fact that the most painful (physically speaking) thing that i’ve been through, is somehow, the “thing” that knows me best.  It’s as though pain and injury is my friend.  I don’t know a better way to explain it…it’s as thought pain is all I really know.

Now a friend from NY once said to me, “well, don’t you welcome the pain a little, because it’s a way to get attention?”  And at first I was just stunned that someone would say something like that.  Then I stepped back to try and really focus on what he was saying - and then I immediately wanted his life shortened. 

(ENTER SARCASM) Sure - I love being hobbled.  The sporadic limping - the fear of sliding on ice and doing serious damage. I love that i don’t go to the beach - because the waves crashing into it actually cause pain.  I love that if i ever have a kid - there simply will be no crawling with him, or chasing her around the yard.  Yeah - the “hey buddy, how are you feeling,” makes up for never being able to ski, or to jog.

Ugh - i’m held together with glue and good intentions.  But, I got home from work - ate 2 percocets and fell asleep.  And here’s the payoff.  I slept through the phone, through the dog barking and through the most amazing and electric dreams I can recall.

I can’t wait to go into details tomorrow - but I will say this - Tanya, Jenny, Kaycee, Tammy, A man named Cactus, A bag of Doritos, Sting, My Dad, and a drunk angel  all showed up in it.  I woke up actually laughing out loud.  How does that happen?  I’m not really sure.

I bet that goat wakes up laughing.  He’s fucking awesome.  I would name him Duncan and let him sleep indoors.  I bet someone must love him a lot to have knitted him that sweater.

And to Victoria - thanks for your tiny little comment - it made my day.  You are just good for goodness sake.

There’s a bed - and it’s screaming my name.

Talk to you tomorrow, with visions of sugar plumbs and well..shit like that.

-The Stranger

Give a moment or two to the angry young man
With his foot in his mouth and his heart in his hand
He’s been stabbed in the back, he’s been misunderstood
It’s a comfort to know his intentions are good.
And he sits in a room with a lock on the door
With his maps and his medals laid out on the floor
And he likes to be known as the angry young man.

-Angry Young Man
 - Billy Joel

I think tonight - bitterness wins. I made a promise to myself that I would publish every night.  And I’m doing that.  If there’s anyone keeping score, know that there’s a lengthy post - it’s in Draft/Unpublished mode.  I had a lot to say tonight - but it wasn’t for everyone.  It was for me.  I wrote.  I did my job.  I kept my promise.  You keep your distance.

I wonder how far anger and sadness can take me - can it go longer and farther than a full take of gas in a 4-banger?  We’ll see….we’ll see.

No pictures today - no lyrics - nothing exciting at all.  Today is just me typing…typing and wondering, torture and reward.

I’m in desperate need of sleep, the weekend, pain killers, knee replacement, purpose, inspiration, a muse, a dog, a fish-tank, another dog,  my friends, a new keyboard, a cool mouse and Torodal.

But today,  I’d settle for just the knee replacement.

Ya know…I don’t know that I made a promise to do it or not, but it just seems fundamentally unjust for me to close out with no song lyrics and no photo.  So today, we’ll work from the bottom up. Or the middle down.  Doesn’t matter - call it whatever works best for you.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock
I am an island
And a rock feels no pain…. 

 -P.Simon - A. Garfunkle

Sometimes, I wish I could be like the hereos I looked up to as a kid.  I could fly to the sun and run like the wind and swim with the fish.  I could rest my hands on my knee and heal bones and tendons and ligaments. I wish I were from a system with a red sun, so that a yellow one would make me impervious to all, and pain free forever. 

Some of you don’t get it…you’ll never get it. You think I’m just complaining.  But you have no idea that once, I was carved out of wood. Once, I could take a punch that would drop you like a bag of dirt.  Today - i’m just some dude that time and pain has broken.  Think of being in pain, every time you sit, stand, turn, move, reach, stretch, step off a curb, slam on the breaks, twist and turn.  It’s not drama - it’s life. 

So when asked what’s wrong, when I wince all the time, I guess I  come off looking soft, looking weak…when in fact - the cartilage that keeps bones from grinding together is long gone.  The ligaments that keep bones lined true have twisted and warped and are now frayed strands of tired old rope.  And sometimes, on the really exceptionally interesting nights…the noise of my own bones grinding together  and crunching,  as I crack off adhesions and bone chips, simply by moving, is enough to wake me.

So today I just wish…..I wish I were a rock.  Because the rock feels no pain…
They said so. They said it up above.  The rock feels no pain…
So today…I just wish.